The worst oh #&*! moment

I'm not looking for followers or friends, sympathy or support, but an anonymous outlet to share my thoughts beyond the pages of my journals. This is going to be highly self-absorbed and self-serving, but then again this is not for you, this is for me. This is my not so private attempt at therapy- my own accountability to myself.

I'm 20-something, educated girl from an upper middle class/upper class Midwest/Southern family depending on how you configure your states. I didn't grow up eating Doritos's, Nutty Butty bars or other general crap. I grew up on an organic diet, home cooked meals, living the life of a foodie-in-training. At 17 I weighed 120lbs at 5'8. I was always athletic, but even as that declined, my body didn't.

Slowly but surely, the downward spiral began. No, I didn't gain the freshman 15- I actually lost weight living in the dorms on a diet that largely consisted of vodka and cheap beer dashed with a bit sushi and frozen entrees from the grocery store in the bottom of my dorm. Maybe it started in the sorority house? Still on party-hardy version of the liquid diet, with the occasional lunch and dinner from the wonderful house cook. But in general, life was still good-trekking along in bikinis during river trips and the leggings and tunics in the winter without a hint of cellulite. Possibly when I moved in by myself and had dinners of cookie dough and Dr. Pepper just because I could. Gym? Nope, always been a perfect size 6. I even managed to study abroad in Italy and not put on a pound living on pasta and red wine. Gosh those were the glory days.

Fast-forward to today. Working on my next two degrees after the Bachelors. Engaged to the cutest guy on God's green earth (who is absolutely in the best shape), great job in higher education...cute clothes, great shoes- you know, the things all girls want. So where did it go wrong? How did I get here today- 190lbs?

I knew the weight had been putting on. Slowly bikinis faded into stylish one pieces which faded into avoiding the pool and beach altogether. Jeans went from a 28 to a 29 to a 30 to now a 31. I'm not exactly small-boned, but I've always been "athletic." Now I'm just soft. Boobs- man, the things I used to want more than anything at a 34B four years ago, have now exploded to a 34DD, and I'd give anything for my mosquito bites back. I've got a trainer, but that only gets me to the gym two days a week for 30 minutes. I eat healthy, but indulgences include wine and good beer, cheese- lots of it, pasta and ice cream. Mmmm ice cream.

And then I looked in the mirror. And stepped on the scale. And had a nice beat down from my image-concerned mother. So today it beings: metabolic reset shake in the morning, Fiber35 shake for lunch, snacks in between and a "sensible" diner. Cardio 2x a day- Lord have mercy on my soul and those around me (I'm mean when I'm hungry). 50lbs to go, ideally in 5-6 months.

Let the journey begin.